when there’s a group of your friends hanging out and youre like trying to join the conversation but dont know how
It’s one of those nights. Those ones where the listlessness I was feeling in the day prevents me from sleeping at nightfall. It’s at times like these that i remember all the reasons I hate that humans have to sleep to survive. Of course it’s also times like these that worries assail me when I close my eyes. For once let me think happy thoughts when this happens but it doesn’t really work like that does it? I’d most certainly be asleep if it did.
Wanting to scream and shout and let it all out doesn’t do justice to the frustration that is the root of this mess. Sometimes I find it a bit pathetic that i write these things and that one day when I’m far along in my life it’ll bite me in the ass or someone will deliberately use what I write against me. All the same for the time being no one can reasonably call me out on whatever I write since if one doesn’t like something or someone, one will not go to his someones blog to simply to criticize somethings that appear in someones private but public thoughts. It’s a free country right?
Now we might as well get to the mushy stuff about me feeling a deep frustration, maybe a bit stuck, a whole lot of confused and a sprinkle of trepidation about the future of my life. I keep trying to find out when I can about what my mentors were doing and their state when they were my age and it all sounds like it was simpler. It might not have been at their time but that’s the way it sounds now amd even though I feel like, I’m more far along than that it doesn’t make me any happier to know that.
There’s just so much input to process and deal with and those external conditions dont ever relent. How oh how the fuck do people pretend to handle this type of crap for years on end, in the face of their wives, mothers, children, husbands, siblings friends and plain random people?
Here’s a morbid note to end on. Assuming most people die shortly after they reach 80 then I have about 60 years to live. In that time I have to work for some time, get married, have kids, raise the kids, retire, and be around for my kids kids to show up. Twenty years on this rock, 2074 here we come.
My, years are such fleeting things aren’t they.
It’s quite something, to be separated from a best friend and a lover all in the same day not as awful as losing a parent but in this case it’s quantity over quality. I can’t grieve yet, or rather I would if it won’t get in the way of doing other stuff. Frankly I know once my journey is complete I will bawl so hard, maybe like I’ve never done before. I’ve accepted that there are things a man must do in secret, even when everyone knows full well what he is doing, they will never see him do it. There is no shame in it. Saving it will do you no more favors than shooting yourself or something close.
So maybe what I’m trying to say considering that it will be Father’s Day tomorrow, and maybe to my father is that I understand your grief and the anguish you felt when you realized you my mother may never let you love her again. Or whenever you have to leave after seeing me or my sister. It hurts like a bitch’. There are things that you might do while hidden to cope with the anguish even though most people know you do it, no one sees you do it. To all fathers;
Do what you must do, there is no shame in coping with grief however you can. Just remember to be strong for everyone else.
While doing a lot of retrospecting, i realized something that we take for granted while we’re in college… I remembered how free we felt and for a lot of us from that generation at that time in our civilization living that particular place, that freedom was still so new, so freshly acquired. The way we’d spend time with our friends, and we decide to chill out like that particular day was a Friday.
To finally be able to go anywhere without anyone’s say so. Free to form the social connections we’d been dying to make since we felt the urge to socialize as humans with heart’s do. When we we’re kids seeing friends and hanging out with them meant;
1. Both or one of your parents and , both or one of your friend’s parents happened to be going to the same place and thought you’d like it if they brought you along so you both to hangout at wherever they were hanging out because the liked you.
2. You see each other almost everyday because you go to the same primary school and later on secondary school.
3. You had asked your parents about two weeks in advance that you are going to want to go to this concert or this friend’s house. and…
4. A) they made you go with one of your older siblings, B) they decided that they’ll just go with you and your brother or sister, C) they let you go and make sure someone comes to get you at some pre-appointed time that sucks ass. D) they made sure they knew where you were going even if you told them a lie blacker than the devil’s arsehole. E) they let you go to anything all by yourself as long as you said there church and God in it.
5. You had a mobile phone that could browse the early version of facebook, and a telcom network that let you text obscene amounts of text to any number you liked and the charged you fucking dumb expensive money to call anyone even if its the same network.
Then you always heard stories of the kids who are being brought up in a different way than you and in very different circumstances, doing all the things that you want to be doing and thus cementing your status quo perspective for the rest of your life. You then knew that you were one of the good guys and that if without the universe’s intervention would go on to end up making everyone else feel a little bad about themselves in some very secret place in their soul. Either you joined the bad guys doing what you’ve secretly wanted or stayed fat dumb and happy, but that doesn’t matter, one of you thinks that the other one in so not self-righteous but genuinely righteous.
I remembered that by the time you rebelled or life got a twist for you, and started doing all the things that you’ve always wanted to do, with whoever and whatever time… People then judge your family and you, and say that your parents are bad parents, and that you are an immoral, annoying person who is receiving a bad upbringing and they can’t stop it from happening.
Then life moved forward and feel that fresh freedom wind of university life and you finally felt what being human was originally supposed to feel like.
You wanted it for so long, and at the time you don’t realize that it all lasts for such a short time compared to the duration of our lives. Revel in that short time, live in that time and place where an old life ends and a new one begins, the next transition is when you retire and that’s completely different. I don’t know why I noticed only today, I might have done more awesome things at the start. There’s still time but not a lot.
Time is fleeting