when there’s a group of your friends hanging out and youre like trying to join the conversation but dont know how
It’s one of those nights. Those ones where the listlessness I was feeling in the day prevents me from sleeping at nightfall. It’s at times like these that i remember all the reasons I hate that humans have to sleep to survive. Of course it’s also times like these that worries assail me when I close my eyes. For once let me think happy thoughts when this happens but it doesn’t really work like that does it? I’d most certainly be asleep if it did.
Wanting to scream and shout and let it all out doesn’t do justice to the frustration that is the root of this mess. Sometimes I find it a bit pathetic that i write these things and that one day when I’m far along in my life it’ll bite me in the ass or someone will deliberately use what I write against me. All the same for the time being no one can reasonably call me out on whatever I write since if one doesn’t like something or someone, one will not go to his someones blog to simply to criticize somethings that appear in someones private but public thoughts. It’s a free country right?
Now we might as well get to the mushy stuff about me feeling a deep frustration, maybe a bit stuck, a whole lot of confused and a sprinkle of trepidation about the future of my life. I keep trying to find out when I can about what my mentors were doing and their state when they were my age and it all sounds like it was simpler. It might not have been at their time but that’s the way it sounds now amd even though I feel like, I’m more far along than that it doesn’t make me any happier to know that.
There’s just so much input to process and deal with and those external conditions dont ever relent. How oh how the fuck do people pretend to handle this type of crap for years on end, in the face of their wives, mothers, children, husbands, siblings friends and plain random people?
Here’s a morbid note to end on. Assuming most people die shortly after they reach 80 then I have about 60 years to live. In that time I have to work for some time, get married, have kids, raise the kids, retire, and be around for my kids kids to show up. Twenty years on this rock, 2074 here we come.
My, years are such fleeting things aren’t they.
It’s quite something, to be separated from a best friend and a lover all in the same day not as awful as losing a parent but in this case it’s quantity over quality. I can’t grieve yet, or rather I would if it won’t get in the way of doing other stuff. Frankly I know once my journey is complete I will bawl so hard, maybe like I’ve never done before. I’ve accepted that there are things a man must do in secret, even when everyone knows full well what he is doing, they will never see him do it. There is no shame in it. Saving it will do you no more favors than shooting yourself or something close.
So maybe what I’m trying to say considering that it will be Father’s Day tomorrow, and maybe to my father is that I understand your grief and the anguish you felt when you realized you my mother may never let you love her again. Or whenever you have to leave after seeing me or my sister. It hurts like a bitch’. There are things that you might do while hidden to cope with the anguish even though most people know you do it, no one sees you do it. To all fathers;
Do what you must do, there is no shame in coping with grief however you can. Just remember to be strong for everyone else.